My child was sexually abused by a relative

DEAR ABBY: Years ago my child was sexually abused by a relative. After I found out, I reported it, which greatly upset the perpetrator’s family. Charges were filed, there were court dates, probation and counseling. To date, everything the judge asked of the perpetrator has been legally fulfilled. While I’m glad it was all done, I still don’t feel comfortable having him around my child or any of his younger siblings.

The extended family wants to have big gatherings like in the past and they are so happy that we can all be together again. Is it bad that I still don’t want my child and other children to be near the abuser? Is it bad that I don’t want my child to have to spend every important holiday and celebration in the same room with their abuser?

It bothers me that everyone is celebrating the return of this pedophile and disregarding my child’s feelings like nothing ever happened. Am I wrong to feel this way? What is the best way to deal with this? — SHOCKED MOTHER IN COLORADO

LOVE SHELL SHOCKED: you are not wrong You are a loving, caring, watchful and protective mother. The best way to deal with this would be to avoid family gatherings where the abuser will be present. A victim of sexual abuse should not be required to ever be in the presence of that person again.

DEAR ABBY: It might seem strange to complain about this since most people would love to receive flowers. My friend of three years sends a dozen red roses to my work place every few months. It has nothing to do with a birthday or anniversary. It’s “just because”.

It would be fine if they were sent to our home but when I send them to my work place it looks like he wants to send a message. It kind of feels controlling. I feel like a spectacle and uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell him and hurt his feelings when he’s trying to be nice, but I just want it to stop.

He thinks my late husband gave me flowers all the time because I had 30 vases or more when we moved. But most came from bouquets of flowers I received after his death. Also, my late husband gave me flowers after he did something hurtful. So yes, I have a negative connotation for flowers. But still, telling him about quitting makes me feel just as queasy as when I actually get the flowers. Please help. — OVERFLOWERS IN THE WEST

LOVE OVERFLOWERED: Open your mouth! Your friend is not a mind reader. Tell him everything you wrote to me. He needs to know why you feel that way when you receive flowers and also that sending flowers to your workplace is distracting and feels intrusive. If he feels he “needs” to show you his worship publicly, he should turn it into a nice box of candy for everyone to enjoy.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred for the civil rights cause in 1968 and whose birthday we commemorate today: “We must accept finite disappointments, but we must never lose infinite hope.”

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.